I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.