Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why