Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Try and stop me.