Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Taliband
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy