I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.