if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Erm…
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.