UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing