English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
All generalizations are stupid.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.