I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
🤣✨#caturday
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.