I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
You Might Also Like
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat