Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
You Might Also Like
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now