H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
a wizard dating app called bumbledore