Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
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the best thing i’ve ever made
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Lmao
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT