cyclists
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Cats (2019)
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?