Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I have a type: disappointing
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.