“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
You Might Also Like
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
drew a comic about my origin story
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
#winning
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.