My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
You Might Also Like
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
scares
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
File under excellent bookstore names.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician