Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.