optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
You Might Also Like
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
This January has 47 Mondays
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside