In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes