You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
You Might Also Like
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha