me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
groan^2
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.