*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
new shirt idea
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.