I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?