Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.