When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people