Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I hope this email finds you in a well
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”