Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
This week’s mood.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?