*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Happy weekend !
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents