ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I need to get some bricks…
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]