{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
courtroom exchange of the day
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
still the best tweet of the year by far
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers