Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
👾👾👾
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
#dnd #ttrpg
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.