All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery