I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
wait.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.