This took me a second..
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“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
three things we don’t talk about
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*