ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I am, perchance
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
secret recipe
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.