Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Print is alive and well!!!
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.