I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life