me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
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