These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Two types of dogs.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Beware…..
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126