Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?