was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Has science gone too far?
That 👊