Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
A wise man once said nothing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
somewhere, in an alternate universe
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*