If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.