I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
When someone says you are so lazy
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol