Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Never forget.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.