[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]