Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
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Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.