My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
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me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.