You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]